


100mg sertraline

by cutieyamaguchi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, it isnt a fluffy ending but it isnt sad, its an alright ending, its not graphic dw, the ending is kinda happy?, the whole team is there but not rly mentioned by name, this is such a vent fic like this is me crying at 2am writing this sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-08 07:49:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutieyamaguchi/pseuds/cutieyamaguchi
Summary: Yamaguchi struggles with mental illness.





	100mg sertraline

**Author's Note:**

> yams does not deserve this sadness im sorry yama ily.
> 
> title is just my perscription lol

Yamaguchi doesn’t like school. He never has. As a kid it was because he had a hard time making friends (and an easy time making enemies), but now he doesn’t really have a reason why he dreads going every morning. He has great friends who he can rely on, and since starting at Karasuno he hasn’t gotten into any scuffles or arguments with anyone.

 

So why does the thought of going to school make him feel like he’d rather be set on fire?

 

His grades have been declining at a steady rate since he was young. In his early childhood he was labeled as ‘gifted and talented’, and told that his ‘natural abilities’ would get him an amazing future. Because of this, Yamaguchi never really had to do any revision for tests, and now, at age of 16, he doesn’t know  _ how  _ to study. He doesn’t know how to learn anymore.

 

After a lot of arguments with his family and many freak outs on school grounds, he takes two weeks out of school. His parents don’t come to wake him up in the mornings. They don’t mention that he’s not in class when he comes downstairs for the first time that day in the early afternoon. They don’t talk to him about it, but when he’s up in his room he can hear them arguing downstairs about what to do with him

 

He gets messages from his friends, and he feels awful making them worry. They understand though. They don’t ask questions; they know how he feels about school, and they wish him the best with hopes he’s feeling better.

 

He’s thrusted back into school a couple mondays later, and he doesn’t know what his parents expect. He doesn’t go to class. He sits in the library with headphones in until lunch when he goes and finds Tsukishima and the other first years. Then, when they part back to class, he goes back into the library and waits until the final bell rings. 

 

He gets letters home, saying how low his attendance is, and he gets in more arguments with his family. He goes back to class after that, just to appease the attendance officers, but learns nothing.

 

He has a lot of difficulty focusing in class nowadays. 

 

It’s not that he doesn’t like the subjects he’s learning, it's just that he can’t seem to focus on anything that's being taught.

 

He acts nonchalant, like he doesn’t care about his grades or his classes. In a way, he doesn’t, but his anxiety quietly eats at him because what the fuck is he going to do with no qualifications?

 

He leaves class regularly to break down. Sometimes he walks out of school completely and goes home, sometimes he goes into the library and texts Tsukishima to come find him. Sometimes he screams and yells and sobs and causes a scene in the hallways and has to get taken away by some teachers.

 

His therapist is an amazing lady. She tries her damn best to find an alternative for him, but at his age there isn’t anything else to really do. He sees her once a week, texts her between sessions, and feels comfortable around her. She's the only adult he trusts. She's the only person who wants to help. She’s the only one who takes him seriously.

 

No. his friends take him seriously. They want to help. But they can’t. They're kids, they can't grant him permission to not go to school. They make the environment a little more bearable.

 

He really, really appreciates them. They’ve got their own sets of problems and worries and struggles to go through, and they all find it in themselves to help and comfort each other. They can’t fix each other's problems, but they can try their best to support each other. 

 

Tsukishima dissociates a lot. Every now and then, Yamaguchi will get a text from him, or a call from Hinata to come help. They’ll sit with him, sometimes Yamaguchi will hold his hand, and try to ground him. Sometimes, he doesn’t speak. Sometimes he just wants to listen to music. A lot of the time, he likes to listen to Yamaguchi talk about the past week and what he’s planning on doing this evening. Hearing things that he remembers (like Yamaguchi’s recount of Tanaka slipping and tearing his shorts at practise yesterday) really helps him.

 

Kageyama has difficulty controlling his emotions. He often is sent out of class to cool down after getting in arguments, and it isn’t unusual for him to have to be restrained by multiple adults to stop him lashing out. He’s hurt people before; given Hinata enough bloody noses for a lifetime, but he doesn’t do it on purpose. Sometimes he doesn’t remember lashing out. A lot of the time he says he couldn’t control it. He doesn’t attack with intent to injure. His limbs act on their own and he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Yamaguchi isn’t very good with calming Kageyama down at times like these, but Hinata and Tsukishima both help wonders.

 

Hinata has a lot of stuff going on at home. Yamaguchi knows the brunt of it, and offers advice and a shoulder to cry on whenever it’s needed. Hinata always tries to be positive. He’s a little ball of energy on and off the court, and Yamaguchi really admires how optimistic he is. It just gets too much for him sometimes, and he comes to practise without his bike, but with puffy red eyes and an overnight bag. He shares whispered conversations with Kageyama who always nods and pulls him into a one armed hug. He doesn’t go home up the hill those days, instead following Kageyama through the streets and back to his. Hinata says he feels bad turning up unannounced so often at the Kageyama household, but he’s always told that he’s always welcome.

 

 

-

 

Yamaguchi starts skipping classes again. He goes to school for morning practice and just hangs around until afternoon practice. He managed to persuade Daichi into giving him a key for the clubroom, and most days he chills in there during school hours. He gets letters home asking where he is, and Ukai and Takeda get pestered with emails asking if he’s showing up to practise. They give him concerned looks as they ask what’s up, and he stutters his way through half hearted excuses.

 

His family give up, and he stops going to school all together. They stop waking him up and dragging him out of bed. Instead, they have one last talk and the next day Yamaguchi wakes up at 1pm.  He feels exhilarated. He ignores texts from his teammates asking where he is, only replying to Tsukishima to tell him that he probably won’t be in school for a while. Tsukishima is happy for him, and promises to come over after practise.

 

The next few months are awesome. He’s free. He fucks up his sleep schedule so he’s basically nocturnal, but he doesn’t have any reason why that’d be a problem. He sees Tsukishima often, and the team let him come to practise whenever he feels up to it. He feels great, if not a little lonely, but he’s not stuck in that prison worrying and panicking and freaking out all day so he’s happy.

 

After a few months he gets bored. He’s been formally kicked out of Karasuno, so there's no going back. Fine by him. But he's  _ bored.  _ There’s only so much you can do alone in the house all day. He wants to go hang out with people, but everyone’s in school 8 til 4. He wants to text Tsukki, but he’s busy in class. 

 

He’s happy he’s out of hell, but that doesn’t fix everything.

 

He stops going out completely. He leaves the house only to walk to Tsukishima’s house and go to therapy. He forgets the last time he saw Hinata and Kageyama and the rest of the team. The thought of walking around town forces him into panic mode and the idea is gone almost as quickly as it came.

 

His therapist suggests taking up a new hobby, but he’s too impatient and easily angered to try drawing, and sports require meeting new people. He can’t go back to volleyball. Going near the school would bring him crashing down all over again.

 

He stops taking his meds. It isn't always on purpose. He forgets for a few days and then takes them again. Sometimes he just can’t be bothered. Sometimes he experiments, going weeks without taking them and seeing how he feels. He know’s it's unhealthy and the massive gaps between high dosages are probably fucking with the chemicals in his body, but it’s whatever.

 

 

He has Tsukishima stay over most weekends. They cuddle and makeout and watch dumb documentaries and conspiracy videos. Sometimes Yamaguchi asks about the team. Sometimes they talk about their problems. A lot of the time, Yamaguchi falls asleep with his head in Tsukishima's lap whilst he watches him play fallout on Yamaguchi's playstation.

 

 

-

 

There are evenings where he goes looking for things to upset him.

 

He searches for things he know will trigger him, purposefully reading works containing things he knows will cause him to break down. He doesn’t know  _ why _ he does it. Maybe it’s because he’s bored? Probably. It doesn’t really matter why. What matters is that Yamaguchi is falling into old self destructive habits, and finding ideas for new ones.

 

He tries starving himself. He’s never had too much of a problem with his body, but reading other people's vents online makes him look at himself a little differently. He doesn’t manage to keep up with this, though. His willpower is basically nonexistent, and he hardly goes a day before giving up and going back to his already unhealthy eating habits. 

 

The failure to control himself makes him feel like shit, but what else is new.

 

He reads of people hurting themselves and thinks back to when he used to do that. He reads how they say that it ‘helps temporarily’ and it ‘makes them feel in control of the pain’. He never thought of it that way. It just...hurt. It didn’t make him forget anything, not even for a second. It just added unnecessary physical pain and stress to cover the telltale marks. He made a habit out of it before, though, and he hasn’t done that in a long time so why not try again? He knows it won't help, but he’s not got anything better to do with his time.

 

He tells his therapist, and she doesn’t really know how to help. He doesn’t blame her. He didn’t come to her with this seeking alternatives; he just needed to tell someone. He doesn’t tell Tsukki about it so as not to worry him. It’d just make him freak out, and there's nothing he can do to stop it, so Yamaguchi stays quiet. He thinks about telling him, but really, what's the point? It’ll be more unnecessary stress for Tsukishima.

 

He’s in limbo. He's a dropout with no qualifications or hobbies or plans. He doesn’t know what to  _ do. _

 

The next time he’s over, he asks Tsukishima what his plans are. Tsukishima tells him he wants to go to university in the city. He asks if Yamaguchi would like to move in with him when he does. Yamaguchi doesn’t even think about it before agreeing with a bright smile and vigorous head-nodding. He tells him that he would follow him anywhere, and Tsukishima smiles and asks what  _ he _ wants to do. Yamaguchi just shrugs and says  _ I want to follow you. I’ll figure it out when we get there. _

 

They fall asleep that night on top of the duvet with the windows open, talking about how cool their life is going to be when they get a place together. The cool air rolls over them.

 

Tsukishima says he wants cats. Yamaguchi says that's fine, as long as they can have a dog too. Tsukishima scoffs and says that  _ cats and dogs don't get along, idiot. _ Yamaguchi disagrees, and drifts off to the sound of Tsukishima pondering aloud the kind of place they’d like to live in.

**Author's Note:**

> this is so venty sorry its sad i didnt know how to make it a happy ending bc im currently Suffering™. im sorry yams u dont deserve this ,,, also i didnt proof read this soz


End file.
